things I'm afraid to tell you


These first popped up in the spring. I came across this again through Flower Child Blog, where she posts her list of things she's afraid to tell strangers. I thought to myself, Hey, since I feel like crud, lemme just share all of the ugly things about me right now. This post by Ez of Creature Comforts explains the whole idea behind "Things I'm Afraid to Tell You" a lot better than I can. Essentially, blogs/bloggers tend to shine a light on the pretty things in our lives and shy away from the ugly. Lately, I've been working on balancing all of the positive and negatives for posts here because I don't want everything to be consumed by negativity. It's really easy for that to happen. Instead, I'll just put this here and then leave it alone. When these first cropped up, I wrote a draft and immediately deleted it. It's seriously taken me almost six months of have the courage to hit publish. Here. we. go:

  • A few years ago, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and generalized anxiety disorder. I always knew something felt a little bit off in terms of my emotions and worry, but I never had it checked out until I became so bad, I could hardly get out of bed. I would force myself to go to work, only to get sent home because I couldn't control myself. All of my supervisors know of my issues and how to handle me, but I don't think any of my other co-workers do so...there you have it.
  • Whew, since I started with a bang, the rest of these will be easier. Continuing with the first one's topic, I tried for the longest time to battle it all without the help of medication. I read so many horror stories about feeling like a zombie and whatnot. I didn't want to lose myself. My therapist respected that as long as she could until she said to me that I need to try it. I've had help balancing my moods with medicine for close to two years. Don't call Tom Cruise on me. I'm able to function as normally as I can for the first time in years. It's insane to me to realize how many everyday things caused me anxiety for so long.
  • When I am suddenly thrust into a high traffic area or where there are tons and tons of people around, I get the urge to runaway. Ironically, I work in a mall. High traffic, loads of people....ack! Everyday is a battle, but I survive. I'm allowed to take little moments for deep breathing so I can move along and not get caught up in the worry.
  • Speaking of traffic, people who've driven with me can attest to the fact that I will take side-streets and the most convoluted ways to my destinations in order to avoid traffic. I'm not so much worried about my driving, but I don't like always having to drive defensively. The tension kills me!
  • Speaking Spanish gives me terrible anxiety. At work, I'll use it to help customers, but otherwise, my lips are sealed. I'm the youngest in my family so I was teased a lot as a kid. My cousins and brothers would mock my Spanish relentlessly to the point that I've lost all confidence in my abilities. Obviously, I'm capable if I can help customers, but I'll generally speak sparingly.
  • I have really low self-esteem. Some people who know me in real life are probably like,"Yeah, ok, sure." Someone called me "cocky" once and I thought that was the funniest thing. I am not sure of myself whatsoever. How do I get through each day without being all Debbie Downer? Fake it 'til I make it. I pretend I feel good about myself until I realize,"Wait, I'm not faking now!" Each day is a process.

  • 6 comments

    1. I love this Elis! So many people are working through the same or similar things and it gives us a reminder that we're all struggling to get through each day. Love you girl and you are such an inspiration :)

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      1. Catey! Your comment genuinely made me smile. Thanks, girlfriend!

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    2. Well, join the club! :) Hoping we all help one another at work- can't tell you how many times I get teary about things, and suck it up.. probably should be on meds :/ <3

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      1. I think everyone at work is the best at cheering me up. We're all so goofy and care about each other that it's hard not to try to make someone who's down smile :)

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    3. I think you're A-OK and a joy to be around.

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      1. Thank you, Sam. You're a delight as well :D

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